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McCAIN SHRINKS, DISAPPEARS
Two-Inch High Candidate Lost In Flower Bed

Richieville News Service -WASHINGTON, D.C.
A spokesman for the campaign of Senator John McCain revealed today that the Republican presidential candidate had begun shrinking days ago and was now missing due to the carelessness of a campaign staffer. At turns tearful and defiant, campaign manager Rick Davis said the Arizona senator was last seen falling from the pocket of a senior aide, where he had been put for safekeeping.

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FED BAILS OUT BERNIE MAC

Comedian Gets Check For $1.5 Trillion

Richieville News Service-WASHINGTON, D.C.

In its zeal to rescue the floundering mortgage giants Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac, the Federal Reserve Bank has also bailed out actor and comedian Bernie Mac, sending him a check for $1.5 trillion. An agency spokesman said the error was a clerical mistake.

"Look, we're working really long hours," said Fed Chairman Ben Bernanke, speaking to reporters here. "Everyone's a little frazzled, so mistakes like this are going to happen."

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McCain Offers Country Protection
Cites Fear That "Something Could Happen"

Richieville News Service –WASHINGTON, D.C.
In a major policy speech today, Senator John McCain declared that the United States faced many threats both at home and abroad and in response to those threats, the candidate offered the country protection. Although Mr. McCain refused to name the threats or say exactly how he would protect the country, he repeated emphatically that only by accepting his offer could Americans feel safe.

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Crips, Bloods Hail Supreme Court Gun Ruling
Latin Kings Still Studying Decision

Richieville News Service - COMPTON, CALIFORNIA
Two notorious street gangs, the Crips and the Bloods, held a rare joint press conference here to praise yesterday's Supreme Court ruling striking down the Washington D.C. ban on handgun ownership.

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Oil Countries Deadlocked
Should They Be Obscenely Wealthy Or Just Filthy Rich?

Richieville News Service - JIDDA, SAUDI ARABIA
Hopes for a breakthrough that would halt soaring energy prices were dashed today when oil exporters meeting here could not agree on exactly how stinking rich they should be. The emergency global energy summit ended without a hoped-for agreement to increase oil production. Instead, the representatives remained deadlocked, split between those who said that rolling in dough was sufficient for them at this time and others who maintained that they needed more money than they knew what to do with.

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Telecom Companies Get Wiretap Immunity
Congress To Get Free iPhones, Extra Minutes

Richieville News Service-WASHINGTON, D.C.
In a striking victory for President Bush, the House of Representatives on Friday passed a bill that would give telecommunications companies immunity for their participation in the administration's warrentless wiretapping program. In return, each member of Congress will receive one of the new generation of Apple iPhones.

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Richieville News Service - WASHINGTON, D.C.
Republican Congressional leaders today proudly revealed a new automotive technology they promised would solve the country's growing oil and gas crisis. The new cars run on what the GOP leaders say is a constantly renewable energy source - human fear.

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Obama's Boomer Problem
They Just Realized He's Younger Than They Are

Richieville News Service - BERKELEY, CA
The campaign of Senator Barack Obama, having only just secured the Democratic presidential nomination, suffered an unexpected setback today when millions of baby boomers simultaneously came to the same frightening realization – the next president of the United States might be younger than they are. This historic possibility threatens to erode the Democrat's support among a demographic seen as crucial to his victory in November - members of the 60's generation who refuse to come to grips with their age.

The reaction of Bernie Schwartz, U of C Berkeley class of '68, was typical. "I was all for the first woman president, " he said, as he listened to the local NPR station on the radio of his Volvo wagon. "And the first black man? Far out! But younger than me? That's too much change. Are you sure?"

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Richieville News Service - IOWA CITY, IA

The deadly tornadoes that have swept through the Midwest in recent weeks are God's vengeance for the, "secular humanist theory of climate change," according to Rev. Don. Druckee, pastor of the 24,000 member World of Christ megachurch here. The evangelical minister said the widespread belief that human beings could change the Earth's climate had angered the supreme deity, who was now expressing his wrath by raising global temperatures an average of 0.84 degrees Celsius.

"God created the world and its climate," the Rev. Druckee said, speaking before the National Association of The World O'God Churches. "The idea that mere humans could alter God's climate is not only arrogant but sinful. That is why God is melting the polar ice caps and turning Kansas into a desert - to punish us for believing in global warming."

(reposted from my blog, www.richieville.com)

McCain's Speechmaking Panned by Pundits
Disney Imagineers Plan Emergency Upgrade

Richieville News Service  – BURBANK, CA

Following John McCain's widely-panned performance in a speech given last Tuesday in Kenner, Louisiana, Republican strategists have called in engineers from Walt Disney Productions for what is being termed an "emergency upgrade," to the candidate's public speaking abilities.

In Act of Penance, NY Times
Reporters Climb Building

(reposted from my blog www.richieville.com)

Richieville News Service, NEW YORK, NY
The New York City Police announced today that contrary to earlier reports, the two men who scaled the outside of the 52-story New York Times skyscraper in Manhattan were not publicity-hungry thrill seekers. Instead they were the first of a group of Times staffers who are climbing the building as an act of penance for their failure to challenge the Bush administration's rationale for the 2003 invasion of Iraq. Today, other groups of current and former reporter-penitents were engaged in similar symbolic acts of contrition.

Monkeys Use Brain To Control Robot Arm
83 Percent Vote For McCain

(reposted from my fake news blog www.richieville.com)

 Scientists have been able to teach monkeys to control robot arms using only their brain waves, it was reported in the journal Nature. During one experiment, eighty-three percent of the monkeys used the robotic arms to vote for Republican John McCain.

 Alvin Cephas of the University of Pittsburgh was in charge of the team who performed the experiments. "We'd been having them grab treats with the arms," he explained in a phone interview. "Then someone, I think it was Bernie the grad student, had the idea of letting them vote on electronic voting machines."

 The remaining monkey vote was split between Libertarian Bob Barr and Representative Ron Paul.

 "That's right," confirmed Mr. Cephas. "It turns out that monkeys are all conservatives.  I guess they're not as smart as we thought."

Asks For $1 Trillion To Go Get Him

reposted from my fake news blog www.richieville.com

Richieville News Service – PASADENA, CA

NASA scientists at the Jet Propulsion Laboratory made the startling announcement today that the Phoenix Mars lander, sent to find evidence of life on the red planet, had instead found the terrorist leader Osama bin Laden. The agency immediately submitted a request to Congress for a one trillion dollar budget increase so the al-Qaida mastermind could be brought to justice.

"Yeah, we found him, we really did," said Phoenix team leader Dr. Edward Li. "I know it's hard to believe, but he's there. And NASA won't rest until we can send a team of astronauts to Mars to get him."

(reposted from my fake news blog, www.richieville.com)

Richieville News Service – BOYNTON BEACH, FL

 In retirement communities and delicatessens across this state, Jewish voters expressed grave reservations over the news of Israel's peace talks with Syria. The outpouring of criticism  raised the possibility that Israel might be losing the support of one of its core constituencies, Jews.

"They're talking to terrorists!" said Bernie Kupferstein, 74, as he leaned on his shuffleboard stick at the Aberdeen Country Club. "I can't believe Israel would betray Israel like that."

Families' Reactions Mixed

(reposted from my fake news blog, www.richieville.com)

Richieville News Service – Washington, D.C.

Doctors and psychiatrists from Walter Reed Hospital descended on Capitol Hill today, searching for the cause of a growing epidemic of homesickness that has struck Republican lawmakers. By some counts, at least thirty GOP representatives have decided not to run for reelection this fall, saying unanimously that they wanted to, "spend more time with their families."

For weeks, stories have circulated of crying, sobbing Republicans wandering the halls of Congress clutching teddy bears and asking for their mommies, but these rumors remained unconfirmed until now. The presence of teams of therapists with piles of blankies and mugs of hot cocoa in the Rayburn Congressional Office Building seemed to corroborate the accounts.

(This fake news story is reposted from www.richieville.com)

Secretary of the Interior Dirk Kempthorne sought to answer critics of expanded drilling in Arctic wilderness areas by announcing a new oil revenue profit-sharing plan. The plan, to go into effect May 21, mandates that 1.5 percent of all proceeds from Alaska North Shore oil sales be deposited into an account under the name, "polar bears."

"This plan gives the bears a financial stake in the further exploitation of their habitat," Mr. Kempthorne said in a statement released today. "We get to plunder the environment for oil and they get a steady flow of cash. It's a win-win situation."

(reposted from www.richieville. com)

 Unable to compete with the Obama fundraising juggernaut, and facing a serious money disadvantage in the general election, Senator John McCain announced today that he was starting a psychic hotline service. McCain campaign manager Rick Davis announced the new fundraising scheme in a statement to the press.

 "Last week, Senator McCain told the world of his predictions for the year 2013," Mr. Davis told reporters at McCain headquarters in Arlington, Va. "Now members of the general public can take advantage of these same psychic powers to help guide them in their personal lives."